never leave

Jesus promised me that he’d never leave me. But he did leave me. At least, he promised me he would never leave me if I take his words to his first disciples to apply to me, too. And I do. He said “Go and make disciples of all nations…And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” But then he left. Maybe you could say he technically didn’t leave because Luke says “he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight”, but I think that’s sneaky. After all, he also promised that he’d “come back” for me. No, whether he was taken or he took off, he left.

In Kingdom of Heaven, Balian’s wicked brother told him that his wife was in hell because she was a suicide. On the hill of the cross in Jerusalem, he wondered aloud, “How can you be in hell, when you’re in my heart?” And that makes me wonder, too.

I think Jesus hasn’t left me. I think he is in my heart, which to me means he is my desire, the one I want, the one I think about, the one I hope for. I think being left is not even a physical thing at all, because God was talking about never leaving people and never forsaking people before Jesus even came. When Moses was about to die, he told Joshua not to worry, that God would never leave him nor forsake him, that just how he was with Moses he would be with Joshua. But there’s no way this was talking about face to face. Jesus said that God is a Spirit and that no one has ever even seen Him, so not being left is a spiritual thing, not a body thing.

This is even true among people. Paul wrote to the Colossians that he was absent from them in body, but present in spirit. On the flip side, I have been left by people in the same room. There they were, honoring me with their lips, but their hearts were far from me. But I have also felt the presence of a friend in my heart, even though we were miles apart. That is priceless, but even though I feel that presence, I still feel the separation, too.

It’s like I live in Shadowlands, the places where I can’t see Jesus face to face, but see his shadow and feel his cool breath blow across my heart as He whispers precious words to me. He is still with me. His thoughts are on me. I am his desire. He has great hopes yet for me. Even though I am on the other side of this cloud.

So many clouds.

Clouds of confusion, clouds of doubt, clouds of lies, clouds of distortion, clouds of tyrrany, clouds of manipulation, clouds of wounds, clouds of blame, clouds of immaturity, clouds of timing, clouds of fog, storm clouds, toxic clouds, fire clouds.

But the clouds are just an illusion. The other illusion is which one left the other. It’s only a matter of perspective. We both are still right where we have always been—in each other’s hearts. Clouds don’t change that. Neither does time.

He promised me that he would never leave. And I believe.

How could he be gone when he is in my heart?

One day we will be face to face, or as the first disciples say, mouth to mouth. That day is precious to me.