do you want to be right or married?

On The Journey Towards Humility
written by JOE VORSTERMANS

In a session of marriage therapy, I was confronted with the question "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" I had asked questions like this before, but it had a very different feeling when it was directed at me! When I asked the question of others whom I was trying to help, it sounded so profound and made me feel so wise. When it was asked of me, I felt embarrassed, challenged and humbled...in that order.

I felt embarrassed for not "getting it" sooner. I was so self-righteous that I didn't recognize my arrogance. I'd placed so much value on being right and being able to articulate the problem as I saw it that I forgot that marriage is about loving the other, not correcting the other. Then I saw it as a challenge to grow. The counselor said to me, "Hold yourself in warm regard." I recognized that my self-righteousness was only part of me, a part I could become free of, if I so desired.

Those words, "Hold yourself in warm regard," helped me to recognize that I was on a journey towards wholeness, towards being a more loving husband, and that my desire to grow was more important than where I was on the journey. This realization allowed me to move from embarrassment to humility. My embarrassment made me want to run and hide. My humility made me more tender and encouraged my desire to be more accepting of my partner's failings as well as my own and to cherish the journey we are on together.

So this was my weekly update from Henri Nouwen this week. Good stuff. I love the question, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” That’s a great question for a marriage counseling session. But it’s a much greater question for a follower of the Way, for the bride of Christ. “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” I think you have to choose.