do you want to be right or married?

On The Journey Towards Humility
written by JOE VORSTERMANS

In a session of marriage therapy, I was confronted with the question "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" I had asked questions like this before, but it had a very different feeling when it was directed at me! When I asked the question of others whom I was trying to help, it sounded so profound and made me feel so wise. When it was asked of me, I felt embarrassed, challenged and humbled...in that order.

I felt embarrassed for not "getting it" sooner. I was so self-righteous that I didn't recognize my arrogance. I'd placed so much value on being right and being able to articulate the problem as I saw it that I forgot that marriage is about loving the other, not correcting the other. Then I saw it as a challenge to grow. The counselor said to me, "Hold yourself in warm regard." I recognized that my self-righteousness was only part of me, a part I could become free of, if I so desired.

Those words, "Hold yourself in warm regard," helped me to recognize that I was on a journey towards wholeness, towards being a more loving husband, and that my desire to grow was more important than where I was on the journey. This realization allowed me to move from embarrassment to humility. My embarrassment made me want to run and hide. My humility made me more tender and encouraged my desire to be more accepting of my partner's failings as well as my own and to cherish the journey we are on together.

So this was my weekly update from Henri Nouwen this week. Good stuff. I love the question, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” That’s a great question for a marriage counseling session. But it’s a much greater question for a follower of the Way, for the bride of Christ. “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” I think you have to choose.

dying well

I know a man who seemed to have it all together. And I respected him. And then I saw that man becoming more and more aware of his need for more of Jesus. And I was moved. And then I saw that man humbling himself and seeking God. And I experienced a certain awe. And then I saw that man completely broken by circumstances in his life. And I wept. And then I saw that man wait on God. And I was inspired. And then I saw that man beginning to be restored. And I rejoiced. And then I saw that man choose to live the rest of his life for others. And it settled my soul. Yesterday that man, in Sri Lanka building houses for tsunami victims, had a heart attack. And how am I supposed to feel?

I got Henri Nouwen's devotional today. It's called Dying Well. David will probably recover from this heart attack. But he won't live forever. Nor will any of us. So how should we live? How should we die? Here's what Nouwen wrote:

We will all die one day. That is one of the few things we can be sure of. But will we die well? That is less certain. Dying well means dying for others, making our lives fruitful for those we leave behind. The big question, therefore, is not "What can I still do in the years I have left to live?" but "How can I prepare myself for my death so that my life can continue to bear fruit in the generations that will follow me?"

Jesus died well because through dying he sent his Spirit of Love to his friends, who with that Holy Spirit could live better lives. Can we also send the Spirit of Love to our friends when we leave them? Or are we too worried about what we can still do? Dying can become our greatest gift if we prepare ourselves to die well.

What an awesome thought. Instead of living for retirement (saving our life), we can die for others. I wrote back in January about dying to live. Henri Nouwen wrote about living to die. The truly powerful in life are the ones who have reckoned with their own death, the ones who live as if their death is sure. But the one who has overcome the world is the one who doesn't live as if he will die, but rather as if he has already died.

It strikes me whether we are looking forward or looking back, the Way of life is only seen clearly through the window of death.

questions: imitation

So the question on the table is:

What does it mean to follow Jesus Christ?

I have read or been told, or it has been suggested several times over the past few weeks that attempting to be just like Jesus in every way is being presumptuous. Details follow.

I say, "Pretend you're Jesus. What exactly do you say to...? What exactly do you do to...?"

One reply: I am not Jesus; I am a repented sinner, I have His Holy Spirit and His Word, and I practice Christianity.

Another reply: Pretending to be Jesus is presumptuous; ascribing motive to people is bad enough, but ascribing motive to God is worse.

I was still kind of into the whole WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) thing, and maybe I took it too far? If so, what am I to do with such suggestive statements as these?

Be a mimic of me, even as I also am of Christ. (1 Corinthians 11:1)

Who has known the mind of the Lord, and who shall instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5)

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2-3)

Come, follow me (Matthew 4:19)

It sure sounds like "As goes Jesus so go I" to me.

life of the way and henri nouwen

I was referred last week to a weekly email devotional by Henri Nouwen. This was a Godsend. I could not have imagined how piercing the messages would be. Maybe they’re just what I needed to hear, or maybe they are good for everyone. I’ll leave that to whoever reads this. In any case, this struck me as vital to the life of the Way. I don’t see any copy restrictions anywhere in the email or on the website, and since they freely distribute them, I feel free to reproduce a few of them. If you’re interested in receiving the daily, you can go to www.HenriNouwen.org and sign up. Here are the first four I received:

January 20, Yearning for Perfect Love

When we act out of loneliness our actions easily become violent. The tragedy is that much violence comes from a demand for love. When loneliness drives our search for love, kissing easily leads to biting, caressing to hitting, looking tenderly to looking suspiciously, listening to overhearing, and surrender to rape. The human heart yearns for love: love without conditions, limitations, or restrictions. But no human being is capable of offering such love, and each time we demand it we set ourselves on the road to violence.How then can we live nonviolent lives? We must start by realizing that our restless hearts, yearning for perfect love, can only find that love through communion with the One who created them.

January 21, The Voice in the Garden of Solitude

Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the place where our aloneness can bear fruit. It is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an easy place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who says, "Do not be afraid. I am with you, and I will guide you through the valley of darkness." Let's keep returning to our solitude.

January 22, Community Supported by Solitude

Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community.

January 23, Community, a Quality of the Heart

The word community has many connotations, some positive, some negative. Community can make us think of a safe togetherness, shared meals, common goals, and joyful celebrations. It also can call forth images of sectarian exclusivity, in-group language, self-satisfied isolation, and romantic naiveté. However, community is first of all a quality of the heart. It grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another. Community is the fruit of our capacity to make the interests of others more important than our own (see Philippians 2:4). The question, therefore, is not "How can we make community?" but "How can we develop and nurture giving hearts?"

January 24, Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

let us whisper

Have you noticed that the most powerful ideas are the most fragile? In Gladiator, Caesar Marcus Aurelius, calls General Maximus in to his inner chamber to be all alone and talk about ideas. The two most powerful men of the world at the time. Whispering.

MAXIMUS
You sent for me Caesar? [No response. Maximus turns to look at the weak and old Marcus.] Caesar?

MARCUS
[Straightening up from the desk,] Tell me again Maximus, why are we here?

MAXIMUS
For the glory of the empire, Sire.

MARCUS
Ah yes, ah yes. I remember. You see that map, Maximus? That is the world which I created. For 25 years, I have conquered, spilt blood, expanded the empire. Since I became Caesar I have known 4 years without war - 4 years of peace in 20. And for what? [He rises.] I brought the sword, nothing more.

MAXIMUS
Caesar, your life...

MARCUS
Please, please don't call me that. Come, please, come sit. Let us talk now, together now. Very simply, as men. Well, Maximus, talk.

MAXIMUS
5,000 of my men are out there in the freezing mud. 3,000 of them are bloodied and cleaved. 2,000 will never leave this place. I will not believe they fought and died for nothing.

MARCUS
And what would you believe?

MAXIMUS
They fought for YOU and for Rome.

MARCUS
And what is Rome, Maximus?

MAXIMUS
[Thoughtful pause] I have seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark. Rome is the light!

MARCUS
Yet you have never been there. You have not seen what it has become. I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end he wants to know that there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher, the warrior, the tyrant? Or will I be the Emperor who gave Rome back her true self? There was once a dream that was Rome, you could only…whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish. It was so fragile. And I fear that it will not survive the winter.

Even the king of the world becomes just a man in the presence of an idea that is truly great. The greatest men bow to something so fragile that it must be whispered.

“Give me a lever big enough,” says Archimedes, “and I can move the world.” It’s a well-known maxim in the college of physics. But ideas are the true fulcrums for moving the world. Ideas whispered in basements, not public squares, in inner chambers, not courtyards.

In The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard talks about the “incredible power of ‘mere ideas’” He cites John Maynard Keynes, economist and social observer, who observes that it is ideas, incubating and distilling in the minds of powerful people as well as crowds, that change the world.

Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. Practical men, who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influences, are usually the slaves of some defunct economist. Madmen in authority, who hear voices in the air, are distilling their frenzy from some academic scribbler of a few years back…Soon or late, it is ideas, not vested interests, which are dangerous for good or evil.

How true.

But I am not concerned so much with observing the power of ideas as I am their fragility. Powerful ideas, if they are to survive, must be carefully handled before they are ready to put their coats and galoshes on for a splash in the big world.

Powerful ideas do become incarnate when their time comes. And if they have been handled well, their power can be enough to move the world, even to overturn it. By that time it is forgotten how unlikely and how frail the idea was when it was conceived. But the truth is that all powerful ideas begin in fragility, in obscurity, as secrets.

Shrewd men and women know that if their adversaries have ideas that may very well take root, that they must call them out early, while still fragile. They must draw them from their incubators before they are ready to hatch. Witness gay marriage.

From Nazism to the Jesus Movement, from “God is Dead” to Civil Rights, you can bet by the time you hear it on the evening news it is anything but new. By the time an idea goes public it either does or does not have enough leverage to move the world. By the time a world changing idea comes to light, it has already been conceived, crafted, and fortified by cunning men and women. The true contenders in the world of ideas do not have podiums and megaphones—they have secret handshakes. And so it is not the pundits or the power brokers who truly change the world, but the idealists, whispering together.

The public forum always favors the hypnosis of the “ity” and the “ism”. Anything loud and fast and recycled will always play well with crowds. We are “smothered in slogans,” says Willard.

Commercials, catch words, political slogans, and high-flying intellectual rumors clutter our mental and spiritual space…We willingly emblazon messages on our shirts, caps—even the seat of our pants…Sometime back we had a national campaign against highway billboards. But the billboards were nothing compared to what we post all over our bodies. We are immersed in birth-to-death and wall-to-wall ‘noise’.

I would add “high-flying religious rumors” to the list of clutter. Rumors that play well, whether they find their origin in the bosom of God or not.

The stampede of the world and her cultures crushes the best ideas. And so Jesus tells us not to cast our pearls before pigs. Sows are not sowers; pigs don’t reap. They have neither the patience nor the shrewdness for it. They eat the leftovers cast to them by those who control the food supply, and trample whatever is left.

And so whatever is easily digested or even pre-digested rules the open meeting. Whoever has the best sound bytes and zingers and verses will command the crowds. That is, until he or she decides to be an agent of change. And then the crowd she thought she carried turns out rather to be carrying her. Or the parade he was leading keeps going straight when he turns.

The public never changes. Little knots in back rooms and back fields do. And if they can multiply fast enough, they have a chance of infecting the public and starting their revolution.

“You say you want a revolution? Well you know, we all want to change the world”, sang John Lennon. But it’s only those able to contain themselves to a whisper who really have a chance at it.

The best moment in any revolution is when the one enthroned says, “How could it come to this?” like Cornwallis in The Patriot when his defeat at the hands of scrappers was imminent.

Imagine the shock of the Caesar who realized that the most fragile thing imaginable had cost him his kingdom. God whispered, and a Baby was born somewhere in Palestine. At night. Among farm animals. His parents fled to Egypt to hide him. He grew up in obscurity until his time had come. He began to teach, but he spoke in riddles and stories, except he whispered the secrets of his revolution to the few he trusted. By the time he came to “his hour” (as he called it), there was so much force with him that even being tortured and killed could not stop him. Jesus and His followers “turned the world upside down” and shook it. The idea “Caesar is Lord” was history, which is the ultimate destiny of every other idea that sets itself up against this One.

Whispering is not for everyone. The world needs the public to push the buttons and turn the wheels, to keep everything going as fast and efficiently in the same direction it is currently headed. And even to argue about which direction it is currently headed. That is the business of the public square.

But somewhere, hidden away, right now, there are some ideas that are truly dangerous for good or evil. Some are in the hands of the most delicate incubators saying something like, “Come, let us whisper now. Let us speak of an idea in our still, small, voices. Very simply. Anything more and it will vanish. Let us whisper about our God, his Son, their home, and the way of its coming.”

MARCUS
Maximus, let us whisper now. Together, you and I. You have a son? [Maximus nods.] Tell me about your home.

graveyard shift philosophy

I must have been philosophizing in my sleep last night, for I woke up with these words, or something very like them, rolling around in my head this morning:

I think therefore I know I need I AM

I still haven't figured out what I think about it.

concentric red circles

Two people I know were having this conversation on-line. This first guy is in Bible college and really wants to make a difference in life, but life seems to be coming at him in slow motion. So much learning and so little doing, and he's feeling the subduing effects of this protracted process of education. Here's how he imaged his dilemma:

There's a line from Return of the King that hit me this morning, one that may explain why i'm so impatient sometimes. When Aragorn and Eowyn are talking in Edoras, he asks her what she fears. Her response resonated so deep within me. "A cage, to grow old until all chance of valour has gone beyond desire or ability." That's my fear. To never have the chance to stand in battle, with comrades all around. To never have the chance to stand, really stand and live. Can anybody relate? Has anybody dealt with this before?

-T-

And here's my friend's advice, that was too good not to post here:

The most important parts of the battle look initially to be the most mundane. The enemy does not paint concentric red circles on his weak spots.

-V-